The crazy thing is!

It’s funny how when you’re experiencing moments of tragedy there are certain things you notice but your mind doesn’t fully process them because so much is going on. (That’s a long ass sentence ..right) It’s as though your brain captures the photos, but they aren’t developed yet. My sister and I are very different to say the least.  I’ll gradually get more into the dynamic of our relationship over time. Many times you hear people say that those around you may not always have your best interest at heart.  There are unfortunately people that want to hear about your sorrows rather than the positives in your life. When I was younger my sister and I had a pretty normal relationship, but as I grew older things changed. As I blossomed into a teenager I began to see a different side of her. She often made me feel bad about my physical development and seemed excited to hear anything negative about me. During this time I was around fifteeen.  I didn’t realize at the time she projected many of her insecurites about her husband and marriage to myself.  She would lash out at me and my close friend at the time as though we were plotting to get her husband. The thing she didn’t realize is she made me feel like I did something wrong. She always wanted me to wear big clothes to hid my figure instead of being honest with herself and me. She would incentuate I was having sex when I was terrified sex would be super painful in my virgin mind. So let’s fast forward to nearly fourteen years later.

During my time of hardship June2011-June2012 there were many stressful situations that took place. There was so much unraveling before my eyes that for the first time in years I cried in front of my sister, mother, boyfriend, etc. I was just so overwhelmed the tears came. That very first night I cried in the living room I thought to myself my sister has never seen me this way since I was very young. If you know my sister she’s dramatic throws temper tantrums, and cries at the drop of a hat. She cries to the point that were all almost immune to it in a sense.  As much as we have our differences I don’t like to see her cry or in pain. Honestly, with her sometimes those tears seem authentic and other times she can indeed be a crying sobbing drama queen and turn them off as quick as a child getting their way.  The point is in my mind I expected some type of empathy, but she gave a few words that seemed unsincere.  As she herself is often a cryer; I was hoping for more warmess in my time of need, but instead it was met with a sort of coldness from her.  Little did I know I’d have several more tears to shed before this ordeal was over.

Towards the end of this ordeal my sister and I had a big one sided argument. She made a lot of false accusations and pretty much lied on me. Now that my mother was mad at me it was as though she saw this particular time of stress as her moment to gain “mommy’s” approval. The funny thing is I didn’t even try to defend myself much. I was so overwhelmed with the level of immaturity I witnessed I just cried. I cried because she caught me at a very vunerable time, not to mention her angry rant of misplaced hostility had no credibility to it at all. Again I cried as she made a fool of herself and my mom felt justified in her own immaturity. I’ve always known my family doesn’t “get” me or know the person I’ve become.  However, nothing truly prepared me for being lied on and created into something I’m not by my mom and sister.  My sister boldy verbally attacked me in front of her kids, husband, my mom etc. My nephew was the only one in his own way that tried to stop her.  As he is seventeen now I think he realizes the times she’s wrong, but would not boldy say so as it’s his mother and she’d curse him out. After she was done she didn’t show any empathy at all. I sobbed at the top of the staircase.

I’m bad about allowing others to stress me out to the point of affecting my physical health. Through prayer and this experience I’ve gotten better at this. My body wasn’t bouncing back like in my early twenties. In my late twenties if I let others incite stress I elevate my blood pressure and speed up my heart rate. A dear friend of mine knew this and would often fuss at me about this. I really would let people upset me to the point I’d get headaches and such. I never truly understood the toll this was taking on my body til now. I literally had to go through a detoxing process with me, myself and God. I did a physical detox as well as mental. I’m still going through this detoxing process where I drink tons of water, incorporate green smoothies and some other positives I’m enjoying. These things are having a positive affect on my body /life, but it’s a process. I digress as usual. That day after my sister attacked me verbally as my mom just stood and watched, i did it again. My head was literally pounding.  My uncle who’s more like a dad, my mom’s brother, always gives me that type of unconditional love. I always found that in him and my deceased grandma.  After this ordeal I retreated to his house. I tried to be neutral with my head pounding. He saw my face and asked “What’s wrong?” I couldn’t get out the words for fear that tears would over take me. As I tried to be silent he asked with more concern “What’s wrong?”… I burst into tears and told him everything. He told me words that I got but didn’t fully get till now. He said so calmly “People are going to lie on you, as they did Jesus” “You know you didn’t do anything wrong” “Some people want to see you hurt or down” “Don’t worry, just pray” His calm yet firm words calmed me. I could tell he realized something. I took a shower as tears streamed my face and my head throbbed. After I  took aspirin, bendadryl and attempted to sleep. I needed rest. Though I know aspirin/benadryl aren’t good for me.

The part of this that resonated with me the most was when he said “some people” want to see you hurt or down. When my uncle said those words it was as though we both knew what he meant. Instead of saying my sister he said “some people”…. In that moment I could tell we both understood that. As he loves her too, but doesn’t sugar coat her persona as  much as my mom. Their was just something in his tone that was different when he said it. As I’m in a more relaxed state of mind now I’m able to see certain things more clearly. The crazy thing is as I reflected back I began to remember my sister’s expression whenever I cried. It was a awkward coldness like she relished seeing my pain. I remembered she’d always want to know what was troubling me, it seemed to excite her. She never really gave me any sincere advice. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and see could I trust her with delicate info. I never fully opened up to her. I saw her reaction when i shared a little. She’s always seemed jealous for one reason or another. At times other family members have delicately mentioned this. It’s a truth I don’t like to accept. It made me sad to realize in my moments of pain she seemed content. Almost like a movie I replayed different clips of me crying and her neutral face. And that’s what the crazy thing is……….

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Me and My Passion

I’m passionate about truth, character, morals, and principles. It’s taken me quite sometime to get the hint that in the real world many people simple don’t care about these concepts and that’s fine too. We are all wired differently. My boyfriend says I’m the most passionate person he knows. lol When he told me this it really hit home for me. The things that God has placed in me, I am passionate about. Not one of them, not two, every last single deposit that God has made within me is something I greatly care about and if you get to know me it shows. When others have walked away from an argument, I’m hung up on the principle of the matter. And they don’t get that. They usually think I’m hung up on the arbitrary details; when that’s just not the case. They are usually looking at the surface, while I’m hung up on the principle of the matter. At my very core I need these concepts to breathe. I don’t quite know how to explain it, but it is so. Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, a just cause, helping a stranger, making homemade carpet cleaner, decorating my christmas tree, uplifting a friend, researching my political views, whatever it maybe I tend to do it with passion. Does this mean I’m always my best? Absolutely NOT.. I care so deeply and fervently search for truth. In a world that can be cruel, cold, and uncaring, it can be hard dealing with not so nice personalities to maintain that passion but so far I do. I pray I’m able to hang on to this throughout the duration of my earthly life. It’s one of the many things I thank God for. I guess the best way I could describe it is.. say there’s a rally, there are people that are fired up during the rally, then afterwards they go back to whatever their “normal” is. But for me, before the rally, during the rally, and after the wheels of my mind, and fire of my passion are still going, which is why I have to find more constructive ways to channel this.

My passion for many things can work against me because I want people to care in a way that they may not be capable of. I also understand people care about different issues. My passion is something that’s hard to describe. It’s almost like this inner energy that’s eating away at my soul and won’t turn off. I know this is a crazy way to describe it, but it is so. I’ve learned depending on the context how to suppress it. But I can’t suppress it too much! I know it maybe weird to blog about passion but it’s very real for me. This doesn’t mean that I’m always sunny and in a good mood. I can passionately dislike you. jk jk I kid.

On a more serious note their are few that get this about me. Even my boyfriend at times doesn’t fully get it , but he 90 percent gets it. I can’t expect him to fully get it to an extent because he’s not in my body. There are few people that get this about me. I tend to hide the depths of my character unless I’m really close to you. My immediate family is finally getting just a very tiny inkling of how I operate. Many principles that sound good in practice, I try to actually live out, and people often act as though I’m kidding. I’m NOT!  I think that’s why it agitates me when people throw around cliche’s that sound good on their facebook status because they think that’s what people want to hear or because it makes them look good. Because a good percentage of people like stuff because it sounds good, but it takes a lot more effort to live out certain concepts. In short God constructs us in different ways and gives us all our own unique set of things that set us apart. I feel that my inner fire or passion is derived of God. I promise you it can be the greatest thing or the thing that nags me because it won’t cut off. I have to find positive outlets because my passion hardly ever sleeps, even when I try to convince it that I’m done. I try to convince my brain I give up, I’m done, I want to be numb, and feel nothing. I get away with it for a short duration of time, then she returns. Who is she? Passion. 🙂 Passion is something God deposited in me, telling me I won’t quit. When others stop caring, that inner fire within me will be unsettled searching for a way to find light..It’s a feeling that some share when they dare to dream the dreams they dream. Dream! 😉

Hmmmmmm

I’m feeling all kinds of weird today.  I don’t know if it’s my period, but I feel weird, kinda gloomy and I’m not sure why.  Well let’s say I don’t fully know why. I’m still feeling a bit troubled about my friendship that I feel I’m out growing. But there are some good aspects of the friendship. I don’t know. I just hate feeling this way. But I think it’s best just to wait and see how things play out. I guess part of me is over it, but then apart of me still has one foot in. I can be pretty decisive when I do make up my mind about people, so instead of doing anything rash, I’ll wait it out.  Today is one of those days where I don’t feel like writing really.  I just figured I’d type and whatever needed to come out would. I’m in a weird place in my life where it’s pretty lonely. As God has been changing me so immensely; things that were once so familiar , no longer work for me. I guess I’m having a bout of growing pains.  😦  After going through the things I went through this past year. I’m not the same. This keeps becoming a reoccuring theme in my new phase of life. I even declared this to be my season of detox. I vowed to rid myself of those things that hold me back.  I think to a certain extent that I’ve changed in a way that even I myself wasn’t ready for. It’s almost like when someone loses weight and they have to adjust their mind to the new image-outlook on life. I don’t think my mind has fully caught up with all the changes.  I know everyone has a story.  But I went through some pretty intense things from June 2011-June2012.  It’s funny how everything started and ended in the same month a year later.  When I think of all I’ve been through it’s like how could I be the same after such an intense storm. I’d definitely say I’ve changed for the better. My mind has been elevated more so. I am who God constructed me to be for this exact period of time in my life.

During this duration of time it was literally something occuring every 3-5 days.  It was though I never had time to fully breathe or digest one challenge, problem, or issue before I was hit with another.  It was so uncanny that I knew it was orchestrated through God. And as time went on God assured me I’d be alright. God always sends exactly what you need when you need it. I honestly feel like God has made me a lot stronger for greater things to come in my life. I have business endeavors I’m working on. I honestly believe God threw so much at me in such a concentrated way to prepare my boyfriend and I to handle greater things to come. We went through this intense storm together. It’s funny that during this past intense year all the hurt, pain, and confusion of it all made us closer than we’d been the years prior. We’ve always been pretty close.  However, adversity has a way of either bringing people together or tearing them apart. There were times we were so equally frustrated with good reason that we took things out on each other. For the most part with time we learned to endure together. We walked distances in the cold together literally and metaphorically.  I’m thankful God brought us to it and through it. I guess now I’m adjusting to the new me. lol

The funny thing is others have often regarded me as strong, and my birth name means strong. But I’m the first to tell you whatever strong I was before has nothing on this. I know their will be greater storms, trials, and test to come, such is life.  But this past storm I feel will play a pivotal role in my life for years to come. I look at it as the storm that launchd me into my destiny and made me know more than ever who I am and who I strive to be. My friend that I feel like I’ve outgrown stopped by today to drop off the Shades of Grey books. I guess I’ll give it more time. She was so happy to see me, since it’s been two years. I do love her, just feel like I’m outgrowing her. I’ll see how it plays out. Bah to me and my sinuses. I’m beginning to fall in love with my neti-pot. After reading stories of amoeba’s ? I was very skeptical to use it , but the more relief I get from my clogged sinuses the more comfortable I get. I always use distilled water and clean my pot after each use. Anyhow I’m turning in early tonight as I feel a bit menstruation -e. Is that a word? Of course not.. till next time… toodles 😉 Because I’m sleepy I’ll edit this some other time.

Letting Go

Where do I begin? I have a hard time letting go. To be more specific I have a hard time letting go of friendships. As I type this I’m remembering my high school boyfriend. I think I have a hard time letting go because I don’t want to hurt the ones I love and I wish things would stay the same, but they don’t. As I grow and change as a person, so do my relationships. A girl once said “When you’re a catarpillar you crawl in the dirt/grass, but when you become a butterfly you don’t do the same things you did as a caterpillar” She stated this much better than I’m recaping but you get the point. It’s funny I would remember my high school boyfriend in regards to letting go. This was a verbally and physically abusive relationship.  As crazy as it sounds when I truly grew to the point of being fed up with this relationship in my mind I contemplated how I’d tell him. I didn’t want to hurt him, in spite of him hurting me. In spite of his behavior I knew back then to leave him would hurt him, but I had to do what’s best for me. I by no means think abuse of any kind is ok. In short I know that he was a life lesson for me, as I was a lesson for him.  Anyways I digress. I realize that even back then when in my heart and mind I knew it was time to stand up for myself and move on; I didn’t want to let go because I kept thinking of how he’d feel. This was a unhealthy relationship I needed to ditch and I did. I just remember feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness because I didn’t want to tell him how I really felt.  To a lesser extent I despise letting go of good friendships but things change for one reason or another.

When I love I love hard. I love to have meaningful relationships. But as life would have it you have seasons with family, friends, and strangers. You learn with time that some people come into your life to sincerely love you, others to intentionally hurt you, teach you and so on. However, you don’t always know the purpose they will serve, with many we learn what they taught us long after their gone and with some we may never understand. My problem is I’ve had some good friendships that are packed with really good times and intimate bonds. So when things begin to change I find it hard to let go. Many of my staple relationships that I’ve grown so fond of are changing or have changed. People grow apart, people build families, or gain a new job, or decide to travel the world, or just stop talking to you for reasons unknown. And you learn it’s not the end of your life, just the end of their part, in your story. I heard that somwhere and really liked it! lol 😉  It made me think of when you’re reading a book and a character disappears after a few chapters and you’re like what happened to so and so. But back to my point…I’ve had some good friends, but as much as I’d like for those relationships to stay the way they are, we are meant to grow and evolve.  It’s bitter sweet when a good friend becomes someone you once knew. As I’m growing and learning every day I’m beginning to embrace this.  As old things fall apart it sets up the stage for new things to grow.  I really have outgrown many of my fondest friendships. I also heard a friend this week say if you’re the smartest in your group of friends then it’s time to get some new friends.  Because friends should stretch you and bring out the best in you. I’m not saying I’m the smartest in my group of friends, but I will say I’m not being intellectually challenged or feeling like the best is brought out of me.

I’m learning more to cherish what we had for that period of time. And say it was good while it lasted and what did I learn or not learn from certain relationships that I can take with me. As Oprah said as you climb higher some people will lose oxygen along the way and can no longer continue the journey with you. And as a good friend said “my jenni” “When you try to live authentically this seems to push people away and it can get lonely” It can and it does get lonely, but you can’t let that altar you from being authentically you, and living your truth.  There will be new faces along this journey called life. And their are some periods in our lives where God intentionally separates us for his purposes. I’ve learned also more importantly, that God has reason and he knows the plans he has for me.  I can’t pretend to be the same when I’m not. I’ve definitely began to notice as I’m growing and changing it affects my relationships.  I can’t pretend to be the same when I’m not. I no longer wish to suffocate who I’ve become. It’s kinda like reading to chapter fifteen and going back to chapter five. Chapter five is now more of a recap of the good and bad, rather than an adventure that unfolds as you read, because you’ve been there done that. This isn’t the greatest example and it sounds a bit harsh, but that is just the way it is. I think I have a harder time letting go when i realize how much someone loves me but I’m out growing them.  It kinda makes me feel like I’m being an ass, but change happens. It’s like I love you and I don’t know how to say this but I’m out growing you. This isn’t working anymore. I feel like a boss at a job. lol I call the person into my office and say it’s been great, this isn’t working anymore, sorry you’re fired. … Anyhow I only have one life to live. I also type this as I’m contemplating a friend who I don’t want to hurt, but I feel I’ve out grown her. She has been one of my most loyal friends, which makes it harder. But instead of making any harsh decisions. I’ll be open minded and see how God, fate, and the universe plays this one out.  So here’s to embracing change and learning to let go and be okay with that.

Intense Storm

My thoughts are in so many places right now. I’m excited about life. I feel like my life has been on pause for a year because I went through an intense storm orchestrated by God. It’s truly something else when you’re in a phase of life where you can’t do the things you would like.  It’s funny how this very experience caused me to give more thought to the sick and shut it. I began to think what it must be like just to have your life on hold in a sense. Im still brain storming on actvities I can do with the sick and shut in. I don’t mean to make them some like zombies..  I really began to think about the things some people may take for granted or think nothing about. It was pretty intense living back home with my parents as a twenty seven year old adult. I discovered many truths about my family that I didn’t want to deal with or ran away from.  I began to remember how my stepdad and his character played a role in me getting the hell out of there! lol I made sure I got all my ducks in a row so that I could attend college that fall back when I was about twenty. Before this time I was attending a school that allowed me to commute and live with my parents.

My parents would get on my nerves back then as with most teens who parents annoy them, but nothing compared to living there when I had mentally evolved on so many levels as an adult. I feel like God brought me back to that place to deal with all that I had grew so distant from. It’s funny how distance from individuals can almost sometimes create a more ideal image of them in your head. As time passed I had more of a positive image of my parents because I wasn’t there to deal with the “family stuff”.  Many times in families there is so much unsaid or covered up. During my time living back at home I quickly discovered that the perceptions I had as a child came full circle with the conceptualization of an adult. To complicate matters my boyfriend and I both lived with my parents for about ten months. It’s a complicated and intrigual story of how this not so ideal, yet God orchestrated reality came to be. I was very appreciative for a place to stay during economic hardship, but boy so much happened during this time I don’t know where to begin. After such a long period of time I’m beginning to breathe again, and get to a place where I can let go and fully embrace the “newness” in my life.

*Disclaimer* I’ve appreciated all my parents have done for me throughout the years. I by no means think they are bad people. Like most parents they can be loving, yet set in there ways, and expectations for my life. So , now that we’ve cleared that up, where do I start? I by no means can capture everything that occured in a blog, hell it may even be a book someday, seriously. But to sum things up, currently my relationship with my parents is in a very awkward place. Many times parents encourage their kids to be strong, voiced, and have your own mind. Well when this occurs parents usually aren’t ready for the reality that in shaping that, it means your child or children will grow up and have their OWN mind! Thus, many some values you embedded may hold true in their lives, or they may challenge certain beliefs and form their own when they begin to walk in their OWN truth. I know, I’m being a bit dramatic by capitalizing own, but it’s not as serious as I make it, but it has been important to me. My parents like many had a set of expectations in their mind of who I should be, the profession I should have, when I should marry etc. The reality is I’m just not that type of chick. God has blessed me with my own brain, which means I may not want to marry at the courthouse because you did that, I may not want to live in a small town that limits my creativity and doesn’ t embrace individual expresssion. You get the point. I really hate sounding like a teen, but God revealed some ugly truths during my stay with my parents. Being in this situation made me realize more than ever not only who I am, but who I’m not. 😉