Letting Go

Where do I begin? I have a hard time letting go. To be more specific I have a hard time letting go of friendships. As I type this I’m remembering my high school boyfriend. I think I have a hard time letting go because I don’t want to hurt the ones I love and I wish things would stay the same, but they don’t. As I grow and change as a person, so do my relationships. A girl once said “When you’re a catarpillar you crawl in the dirt/grass, but when you become a butterfly you don’t do the same things you did as a caterpillar” She stated this much better than I’m recaping but you get the point. It’s funny I would remember my high school boyfriend in regards to letting go. This was a verbally and physically abusive relationship.  As crazy as it sounds when I truly grew to the point of being fed up with this relationship in my mind I contemplated how I’d tell him. I didn’t want to hurt him, in spite of him hurting me. In spite of his behavior I knew back then to leave him would hurt him, but I had to do what’s best for me. I by no means think abuse of any kind is ok. In short I know that he was a life lesson for me, as I was a lesson for him.  Anyways I digress. I realize that even back then when in my heart and mind I knew it was time to stand up for myself and move on; I didn’t want to let go because I kept thinking of how he’d feel. This was a unhealthy relationship I needed to ditch and I did. I just remember feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness because I didn’t want to tell him how I really felt.  To a lesser extent I despise letting go of good friendships but things change for one reason or another.

When I love I love hard. I love to have meaningful relationships. But as life would have it you have seasons with family, friends, and strangers. You learn with time that some people come into your life to sincerely love you, others to intentionally hurt you, teach you and so on. However, you don’t always know the purpose they will serve, with many we learn what they taught us long after their gone and with some we may never understand. My problem is I’ve had some good friendships that are packed with really good times and intimate bonds. So when things begin to change I find it hard to let go. Many of my staple relationships that I’ve grown so fond of are changing or have changed. People grow apart, people build families, or gain a new job, or decide to travel the world, or just stop talking to you for reasons unknown. And you learn it’s not the end of your life, just the end of their part, in your story. I heard that somwhere and really liked it! lol 😉  It made me think of when you’re reading a book and a character disappears after a few chapters and you’re like what happened to so and so. But back to my point…I’ve had some good friends, but as much as I’d like for those relationships to stay the way they are, we are meant to grow and evolve.  It’s bitter sweet when a good friend becomes someone you once knew. As I’m growing and learning every day I’m beginning to embrace this.  As old things fall apart it sets up the stage for new things to grow.  I really have outgrown many of my fondest friendships. I also heard a friend this week say if you’re the smartest in your group of friends then it’s time to get some new friends.  Because friends should stretch you and bring out the best in you. I’m not saying I’m the smartest in my group of friends, but I will say I’m not being intellectually challenged or feeling like the best is brought out of me.

I’m learning more to cherish what we had for that period of time. And say it was good while it lasted and what did I learn or not learn from certain relationships that I can take with me. As Oprah said as you climb higher some people will lose oxygen along the way and can no longer continue the journey with you. And as a good friend said “my jenni” “When you try to live authentically this seems to push people away and it can get lonely” It can and it does get lonely, but you can’t let that altar you from being authentically you, and living your truth.  There will be new faces along this journey called life. And their are some periods in our lives where God intentionally separates us for his purposes. I’ve learned also more importantly, that God has reason and he knows the plans he has for me.  I can’t pretend to be the same when I’m not. I’ve definitely began to notice as I’m growing and changing it affects my relationships.  I can’t pretend to be the same when I’m not. I no longer wish to suffocate who I’ve become. It’s kinda like reading to chapter fifteen and going back to chapter five. Chapter five is now more of a recap of the good and bad, rather than an adventure that unfolds as you read, because you’ve been there done that. This isn’t the greatest example and it sounds a bit harsh, but that is just the way it is. I think I have a harder time letting go when i realize how much someone loves me but I’m out growing them.  It kinda makes me feel like I’m being an ass, but change happens. It’s like I love you and I don’t know how to say this but I’m out growing you. This isn’t working anymore. I feel like a boss at a job. lol I call the person into my office and say it’s been great, this isn’t working anymore, sorry you’re fired. … Anyhow I only have one life to live. I also type this as I’m contemplating a friend who I don’t want to hurt, but I feel I’ve out grown her. She has been one of my most loyal friends, which makes it harder. But instead of making any harsh decisions. I’ll be open minded and see how God, fate, and the universe plays this one out.  So here’s to embracing change and learning to let go and be okay with that.

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