The crazy thing is!

It’s funny how when you’re experiencing moments of tragedy there are certain things you notice but your mind doesn’t fully process them because so much is going on. (That’s a long ass sentence ..right) It’s as though your brain captures the photos, but they aren’t developed yet. My sister and I are very different to say the least.  I’ll gradually get more into the dynamic of our relationship over time. Many times you hear people say that those around you may not always have your best interest at heart.  There are unfortunately people that want to hear about your sorrows rather than the positives in your life. When I was younger my sister and I had a pretty normal relationship, but as I grew older things changed. As I blossomed into a teenager I began to see a different side of her. She often made me feel bad about my physical development and seemed excited to hear anything negative about me. During this time I was around fifteeen.  I didn’t realize at the time she projected many of her insecurites about her husband and marriage to myself.  She would lash out at me and my close friend at the time as though we were plotting to get her husband. The thing she didn’t realize is she made me feel like I did something wrong. She always wanted me to wear big clothes to hid my figure instead of being honest with herself and me. She would incentuate I was having sex when I was terrified sex would be super painful in my virgin mind. So let’s fast forward to nearly fourteen years later.

During my time of hardship June2011-June2012 there were many stressful situations that took place. There was so much unraveling before my eyes that for the first time in years I cried in front of my sister, mother, boyfriend, etc. I was just so overwhelmed the tears came. That very first night I cried in the living room I thought to myself my sister has never seen me this way since I was very young. If you know my sister she’s dramatic throws temper tantrums, and cries at the drop of a hat. She cries to the point that were all almost immune to it in a sense.  As much as we have our differences I don’t like to see her cry or in pain. Honestly, with her sometimes those tears seem authentic and other times she can indeed be a crying sobbing drama queen and turn them off as quick as a child getting their way.  The point is in my mind I expected some type of empathy, but she gave a few words that seemed unsincere.  As she herself is often a cryer; I was hoping for more warmess in my time of need, but instead it was met with a sort of coldness from her.  Little did I know I’d have several more tears to shed before this ordeal was over.

Towards the end of this ordeal my sister and I had a big one sided argument. She made a lot of false accusations and pretty much lied on me. Now that my mother was mad at me it was as though she saw this particular time of stress as her moment to gain “mommy’s” approval. The funny thing is I didn’t even try to defend myself much. I was so overwhelmed with the level of immaturity I witnessed I just cried. I cried because she caught me at a very vunerable time, not to mention her angry rant of misplaced hostility had no credibility to it at all. Again I cried as she made a fool of herself and my mom felt justified in her own immaturity. I’ve always known my family doesn’t “get” me or know the person I’ve become.  However, nothing truly prepared me for being lied on and created into something I’m not by my mom and sister.  My sister boldy verbally attacked me in front of her kids, husband, my mom etc. My nephew was the only one in his own way that tried to stop her.  As he is seventeen now I think he realizes the times she’s wrong, but would not boldy say so as it’s his mother and she’d curse him out. After she was done she didn’t show any empathy at all. I sobbed at the top of the staircase.

I’m bad about allowing others to stress me out to the point of affecting my physical health. Through prayer and this experience I’ve gotten better at this. My body wasn’t bouncing back like in my early twenties. In my late twenties if I let others incite stress I elevate my blood pressure and speed up my heart rate. A dear friend of mine knew this and would often fuss at me about this. I really would let people upset me to the point I’d get headaches and such. I never truly understood the toll this was taking on my body til now. I literally had to go through a detoxing process with me, myself and God. I did a physical detox as well as mental. I’m still going through this detoxing process where I drink tons of water, incorporate green smoothies and some other positives I’m enjoying. These things are having a positive affect on my body /life, but it’s a process. I digress as usual. That day after my sister attacked me verbally as my mom just stood and watched, i did it again. My head was literally pounding.  My uncle who’s more like a dad, my mom’s brother, always gives me that type of unconditional love. I always found that in him and my deceased grandma.  After this ordeal I retreated to his house. I tried to be neutral with my head pounding. He saw my face and asked “What’s wrong?” I couldn’t get out the words for fear that tears would over take me. As I tried to be silent he asked with more concern “What’s wrong?”… I burst into tears and told him everything. He told me words that I got but didn’t fully get till now. He said so calmly “People are going to lie on you, as they did Jesus” “You know you didn’t do anything wrong” “Some people want to see you hurt or down” “Don’t worry, just pray” His calm yet firm words calmed me. I could tell he realized something. I took a shower as tears streamed my face and my head throbbed. After I  took aspirin, bendadryl and attempted to sleep. I needed rest. Though I know aspirin/benadryl aren’t good for me.

The part of this that resonated with me the most was when he said “some people” want to see you hurt or down. When my uncle said those words it was as though we both knew what he meant. Instead of saying my sister he said “some people”…. In that moment I could tell we both understood that. As he loves her too, but doesn’t sugar coat her persona as  much as my mom. Their was just something in his tone that was different when he said it. As I’m in a more relaxed state of mind now I’m able to see certain things more clearly. The crazy thing is as I reflected back I began to remember my sister’s expression whenever I cried. It was a awkward coldness like she relished seeing my pain. I remembered she’d always want to know what was troubling me, it seemed to excite her. She never really gave me any sincere advice. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and see could I trust her with delicate info. I never fully opened up to her. I saw her reaction when i shared a little. She’s always seemed jealous for one reason or another. At times other family members have delicately mentioned this. It’s a truth I don’t like to accept. It made me sad to realize in my moments of pain she seemed content. Almost like a movie I replayed different clips of me crying and her neutral face. And that’s what the crazy thing is……….

Advertisements

1 Comment

  1. Just read this again. I needed it today. You’re such a strong person, and I truly admire you. Good job on the green smoothies! I too, seriously feel things in my body — it’s crazy, but I am learning to accept and respect this aspect of myself.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s